To The Deadbeat Dad

When You Walked Away

When you decided to walk away from our child, I was devastated. My heart was broken. No mother ever wants to see their child without a father.

I know that one day, my child will see friends with their fathers. And feel the shame of not knowing theirs.

And I know that one day, my child will want to know who you are. What you’re like and where you’ve been.

I know that one day, my child will question whose fault it was. And possibly even considering it on their own, that you ran without ever even giving parenting a chance.

And I know that on each of these days, my heart will break just a little bit more. But I will hold back tears and explain to my child that it is your loss. Because it truly is.

It is you that will have missed out on the most heartwarming cuddles and the sloppiest of kisses.

And it is you that will have missed out on watching a tiny miracle blossom into a wonderful human being.

It is you who will have missed out on the immensely overwhelming pride each time my baby learned something new. You will never have known the sound of my child’s first word. Or know how amazing it felt to hear your name for the first time.

And it is you who will never know what it feels like to look into this child’s eyes and feel comfort beyond measures. It is you who will never know just how much a small smile can fix a horrible day. And it is you who will never know the warmth in your heart when this child falls asleep on your chest.

It is you who will have missed out on play time, and story time. Those Disney movie nights and scaring the monsters out of the closet.

And it is you who will have missed out on the deepest connection there is to find in this world. One that is created through the good times, hard times, discipline, laughs, and the tears and the joys that come along with parenthood.

So if you ever feel an ounce of guilt or regret in that shitty soul of yours, it is you that will be haunted by the what-ifs.  Go ahead, you kick yourself in the ass for deserting the only good thing that you’ve ever done in this world.

But it is me who will have been there through everything, trying to compensate for the absence of you.

It is me who will have enjoyed all of the beauty that comes along with being a parent, and the amazing relationship  my child and I have developed.

And It is me who will have taught my child how to walk, talk, have morals, and to love. And I will have taught my child that sometimes, life isn’t fair. But that we must make the best of it anyway.

It is me who my child will one day grow up to appreciate. Appreciate me for being there, for giving my all, for doing it all on my own.

And it is you who will have missed out on the greatest love of a lifetime. One that is unconditional, that knows no bounds. A love that is forever flowing, growing more each day. And  a love that is beautiful, miraculous, breathtaking. Which is love that you never deserved to have anyway.

In the end it is you that will one day feel loss.