To My Absent Mother From Your Brilliant Daughter

Mom,

I’m not sure whether I’m angry with you or angry with the idea of being without what a child is supposed to have. Growing up was an endless maze of confusion and wonder. Wondering how life would have been with you here. If I would’ve been saved from the bad things I saw and had to go through. I know now what caused this. What took you. But I will never know if it was on accident or you wanted it to end that way. So yeah, maybe I am angry at you.

Angry that you could so selfish to do such things when you had me, a small helpless child, that needed you so much. And I still do. I have dreams about. Dreams that will probably forever haunt me. It has been almost 18 years. 18 years of me wondering, having nightmares, not being able to sleep sometimes without being afraid that when I wake up someone else will be gone from my life too. That’s terrifying.

I can’t blame you for everything, I know that. It’s just easier to blame something that changed my life so drastically at such a young age. to grow up without a mother is so difficult. Regardless of who takes care of a motherless child, the bond could never be the way it should between that child and their mother. Grandma did amazing. She taught me about life and all the things I needed to know.

She made sure I had what I needed to learn and grow and to be who I am now. I am forever thankful for that. But it is still different in a way that I still don’t understand. She misses you a lot too though, I can tell by the way she looks at me sometimes. There’s an emptiness in my chest that I can’t describe or really understand. That, I can definitely blame you for. I love you and I do miss you, but I also hate that I had to go through my life without you because of your own selfish decisions. It’s really sad to think about.

To think that I wasn’t worth putting all that to the side. You and dad are the reasons I fear losing people and getting close to people. I hate that. I hate you both for that. I don’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve this. So, why me? Why did you go through with having me to only put me through a life of never ending confusion and questioning my worth.

But also, thanks for making me realize that no matter how much I needed you, I also really didn’t at he same time. I’m okay. I will be okay and that’s no thanks to you.

Love always, you’re very brilliant daughter that you missed the chance of knowing