Losing my mom
I lost my mom over 8 years ago. And not a day goes by that I do not think about her. She comforts me when I am sad. I see her face smiling at me and I can remember her reassuring words and her sweet smile. I see her smile and her michevious personality in my nieces and nephews. And I feel her around me when I spend time with them and her sons she left behind.
She did not want to leave us. Not as soon as she did. But she was always ok with the way life worked and that when her time came it would be ok. She was fairly young when she left us. And full of energy. She had friends and she had plans.
When she first passed away, I was angry. I felt like I was too young to have lost my mother. I was thirty nine. It seemed unfair and I felt lost. And I worried about everyone she left behind. My two brothers, her grandchildren, her sister, everyone.
But most of all, I worried about myself. I never realized when I had my mom, even as close as we were, just how much I counted on her being around. I traveled a lot and have always been independent. But little did I realize she gave me that strength. I could do anything because I could always count on her being there. On the other end of phone, for me to tell my stories and adventures too. And she always indulged me. She was the person I chatted with, updated and vented too. She was the person I confided in.
My mother was always a patient person. A trait that showed in the way she handled the ups and downs that life gives all of us. She danced every day. She laughed most days. She was sarcastic and kind at the same time. She was fair and over it at the same time. She knew how to self preserve and protect herself with solid boundaries and she protected us.
When her mom passed away at a very old age, she once said to me, life is for the living. She knew her mother would want her to do the one thing she could no longer do. To live. Enjoy living because it IS a gift.
Living life without her
Bad days will come and good days will follow. And through it all, I refer back to my mom. I think about how much she would have enjoyed my ups and consoled me during my downs. Her absence reminds me every day how grateful I am for a chance. A chance to be kind. To be helpful. And to love. A chance to stand up for what I think matters.
I wonder what she would think of the choices I have made. The love in my life. The way I treat her grandchildren. The way I treat my brothers. And how I treat strangers. And I often wonder how she thinks I treat myself. I know she would want me to practice self-care and to be kind to myself. I know she would trust my choices and encourage me to go for the things that matter most to me. I am forever grateful for her. And all of the lessons she taught me. Especially patience.
Forever my Mom
What I have realized over these eight years is that my mother is with me now. Because they never leave us. They are always in our hearts.