July 1st 2021. For most people this was just another day of the year. But today was more than that for us and for you. You would’ve known that had you shown up back in May but you didn’t. It is a day you probably will try to forget about and pretend didn’t happen; but the signed court order says otherwise. But let’s start at the beginning, so people get the whole story, or at least the part I have been around for.
Early 2018, March 3rd to be exact, the day I met “your” daughter. She opened up to me right away as I let her paint my face, style my hair, and watched a movie with her on the couch. She was the cutest little 4 year old with the brightest blue eyes and most contagious laugh. Before her Dad introduced me to her I was so worried about numerous things: would she like me? would she think I’m fun? Would she want to share her Dad with me? and the worst of all would she end up breaking my heart somehow? Despite all the unknowns of where this relationship with her Dad, as well as her, would go I jumped head-first into the deep end. Two days later, March 5th, “your daughter” asked if she could call me Mom. I was thrown completely off guard, taking the rose she bought me into my hand trying to think of how to answer her. She must’ve known she caught me off guard because she then countered with “Sam Mom” and I replied that was perfect. At this point into my relationship with her Dad, I knew very little about you. I knew you were in a rehab facility and were getting out in April sometime. Given my background in mental health I was super proud of you taking the right steps in your addiction to be there for your daughter. While I was developing a relationship with “your daughter” I made sure to not step on your toes. I would ask about you as we laid in bed at night finishing a story with a picture of the two of you taped to the top of her bunk bed. “Your daughter” never really had too much to say about you, beyond the “I miss her”, but what 4 year old really held long conversations, ya know?
Anyways, fast forward to April 2018. You were released from rehab and we brought “your daughter” to surprise you at a restaurant. It had been months since you had seen her and my heart was so happy for not only her but you. As we entered the restaurant and “your daughter” walked up to you, the tears started to fall; not from your eyes but from mine. I couldn’t control my emotions with this mother daughter reunion that was about to happen. Yet you didn’t get emotional, instead, you gave “your daughter” a one armed hug, grabbed the flowers from her and then sat down at the table again. “Your daughter” came right back to her father and took turns sitting on my lap and his lap for the entirety of dinner. I was so confused with this family dynamic but tried not to read too much into it. What happened next I will never forget (and neither has “your daughter”); we went to depart ways in the parking lot and “your daughter”became extremely upset because she was afraid she wasn’t going to see you again. You looked her dead in the face and PROMISED you were never going to go away again. And that’s when my heart dropped into my stomach and I wanted to vomit. I sat in the car with “your daughter” screaming and crying the entire way home as I sat in the front seat crying with her. I cried for the little girl who had this not so normal fear that her mother may not come back. I knew deep down the promise you made was a promise that shouldn’t have ever left your lips. While I hoped to God you wouldn’t break it, I knew the rates of relapse given your drug of choice, yet I silently prayed you’d follow through with it. But you didn’t. I don’t think you even tried honestly. You tried harder to hide the drugs and bad choices than you did at keeping that promise to your daughter. Two months after reuniting with your daughter we held a co-parenting style birthday party for her. You showed up an hour late, left after maybe 2 hours, and spent the majority of the time smoking instead of swimming in the pool with her. You didn’t sit with her and open gifts, you didn’t swim with her, and you didn’t help decorate either. But you did leave the party, pissed at “your daughter” because she accidently called me Mom while I was playing in the pool with her. You left to go hang out with your new boyfriend without a second thought or care in the world. But don’t worry, I sat with “your daughter” for at least an hour in her bed later that night as she cried because you left and because “she made you mad”. Yet again I tried to sugar coat your poor choices and I put out the fire like I always did. Despite you sending “your daughter” home to break my glasses or tell me I was ugly and my makeup was horrible, I would sit there at night and talk about you in the most positive way possible, because that’s what “your daughter” deserved.
Fast forward to July 2018, your birthday weekend. You begged her father to let her sleep over even though that wasn’t in the court order. Her father agreed as long as your mother was home to supervise with the stipulation that your boyfriend didn’t spend the night. You agreed and we dropped “your daughter” off for your birthday weekend. The next day, we picked her up and went on with our Sunday routine; grocery shopping, cleaning the apartment, getting a bath and then getting ready for bed. However, nothing about that bath that night was normal. “Your daughter” spilled the beans. She told us you had your boyfriend sleep over. The boyfriend you agreed wouldn’t spend the night because this was your time to spend bonding with your daughter. You not only let him sleep over you had him sleep in the bed with you and “your daughter”. I was so mad that we were so stupid for trusting you to do the right thing, to be a parent for once in your life. Yet, at the same time, had we not let you have her overnight we would’ve never tapped into the secrets you threatened her not to tell over the years. Thank god “your daughter” is smart and found a loophole. You told her to never tell her dad or any other family member, including yours, of the horrible things you and your past significant other did. And she didn’t, she kept it a secret for 5 years of her life. But this smart, brave 5 year old realized you never told her to not tell me and that, my dear, was the loophole. Once the flood gates opened,boy did they open. Car rides, ice cream dates, playground visits, etc. this little girl unloaded years of trauma to me day after day, almost never ending. All the red flags I had noticed over the past few months were all making sense; the things you put her through most adults haven’t even been through. This is when I decided to stop caring about stepping on your toes as a “mother” because honestly there weren’t even toes to step on.
Shortly after your birthday weekend mishap you failed a drug test and went to jail. You called from jail threatening her father because he wasn’t doing what you and your family wanted. We had let your family see “your daughter’, but just like you they couldn’t follow simple rules that were in the best interest of her. Fun fact, your mother is the one who told “your daughter” you were in jail; not me, not her father, but your own mother. We tried to protect your image but apparently your mother had other plans. Eventually you got moved from jail to a residential rehab facility. You called, and like always, her father answered. He even went and met you a few times to discuss visits and update you on “your daughter’s” life. He offered you your supervised visits once you got out of rehab but that wasn’t good enough for you. You refused to pay for supervised visits, stating you deserved to see “your daughter” on your asinine terms, including us bringing “your daughter” to the rehab facility to see you. Her father tried to explain to you that she was in therapy, that she suffered from PTSD, and as her parents you needed to do what was best for her and her alone. But that wasn’t the answer you or your family wanted. Go figure right? God forbid you put someone else before your own selfish needs. So, while still in rehab, you filed a petition with the court requesting 50-50 custody immediately. With nothing to stand on besides false claims against her father, you started a 2.5 year battle within the court system.
You got out of rehab in July 2019 still all eager to get “your daughter” back and save her from her father and I, crying to the judge that it had been a year since you had seen her. You forgot to mention why it had been a year, but instead played the victim role which you have really perfected over the years. However, you didn’t realize you messed with the wrong momma and papa bear this time. You and your family really tried to break her father and myself down; sending hate messages to me more than once, making posts on social media with lies about the entire situation, and really trying to sell your side of the story to anyone who would listen. I still have those hate messages saved; the ones calling me the c word, the ones with threats if you and your family ever saw me in public, and the ones saying you will never stop fighting for “your daughter” (yet here we are). While you were putting on a front for the judge, your family, and any other person involved in this court battle, your selfish ways were unable to be tamed and you went on to marry a felon you met in rehab a month after getting out. Seeing that your choice in men hadn’t improved since being in rehab it didn’t help your case at all. As time went on you became less and less responsive and less and less involved in the court proceedings until finally, all together, you just disappeared. Again. You begged the judge to let you have contact with “your daughter” and you got it; you could write a letter a week. And you did, for 3 weeks. In your first letter you even promised to write “your daughter” every week and how you missed her so much. Then you stopped, without a reason. This time though we were prepared; we had been down this road before where you popped in to play mom of the year just to leave as quickly as you entered. “Your daughter” was actually relieved you stopped writing; she even told her therapist that she wasn’t surprised you stopped because “that’s all she does is break promises”. But then a few short months later after you refused to write letters we thought we were getting somewhere as you agreed to reunification therapy. Yet that never happened either. All you had to do was take a drug test and schedule the therapy, but you didn’t. Her father texted you asking you why you hadn’t and offered to help pay; you replied with some low blow along with a million excuses saying next month you’d get to it. But then the next month came and went, and then the next month. Until finally that agreement went out the window and we just decided to get this court battle over with and set the date for final trial. Pretrial was set, your deposition was set, and final trial was set, yet you turned into a ghost. Emails bouncing back, phone calls not answered or returned, and text messages left unread. You vanished into thin air; well kind of, you were more active than ever on Facebook posting all about getting your nails done, your lovely life with your husband, and etc., yet not one post about “your daughter”.It’s been since November 2020 that we have heard from you; kinda odd considering you “would move mountains” to see your daughter again, huh?
Now back to July 1 2021; had you been any bit of involved or aware of life in general you would know that it is the day the final order was signed by the judge. Hopefully you get a copy of it, but you may not since your email bounces back every time our lawyer tries to email you and lord knows where you’re living now. Since you may never read it let me sum it up for you; her father has full custody and sole parental responsibility and you have no visits. At least for now. If you decide to pull your head out of your ass and get your life together for the daughter you claim to love so much then there is a path for you to earn visits back but rest assured it has so many safety measures in place to prevent you from yo-yoing in and out of “your daughter’s” life. I am sure you’ll tell a different story to anyone who will listen and blame myself or her father while you play victim, crying that you haven’t seen your daughter in 3 years now. I used to feel sorry for you, really I did. But now I feel sorry for “your daughter”. I feel sorry that she has the memories she does of you because 95% of them aren’t good memories. I’m sorry that she still questions why you made a promise to not go away but did it anyways. But what I am most sorry for most of all is that this 8 year old girl continues to lay in bed some nights, crying, asking me why you chose drugs over her. I used to try to answer that question in the most positive way possible without dragging your name through the mud but now I know better. Instead, I tell her that is a question that “your mom” has to answer because she’s the only one who knows the answer. I assume you will place the blame on her dad and I, that we brainwashed her to turn against you. Well if brainwashing is showing her a home that runs on respect, love, attention, and working together while your home offered interrogation, blaming, constant arguing and confrontation, and abuse, then yes, you’re right, we brainwashed the hell out of her. But maybe at 8 years old she started to do what you always said she would do “She will start to remember all of this and make her own choices”. But, I hope someday “your daughter” does get to ask you that question and I pray you give her the answer she deserves and not just another lie. It is the least you can do after everything else you’ve put her through.
I hope this letter does eventually find you. Every night as I put “your daughter” to bed I wonder how you even get out of bed every day knowing that you know even less about “your daughter” today than you did yesterday. I can’t say that I know what it’s like to be you, and honestly I don’t want to walk in your shoes to find out. You chose a path in life that I would have never considered, and I hope that you do take this personally.You are the last person the world would expect to have let her down and to have made her feel like less than first place in your life. Unlike you I know what it means to keep a promise. I promised her a long time ago that I will always be there for her; and every day and night for the last 3.5 years I have been there for her, for MY DAUGHTER, and nothing will ever change that.
Always,
“your daughter’s” mom