When we as mothers decided to have those tiny humans we created, no one really prepared us for how many times we wish we had a tumbler full of wine instead of some infused water.
Raising those crazy little people is often the most rewarding thing we as women will do with our lives. If you think that about ninety-five percent of us love every minute of it, you’re right. But the truth is, sometimes it’s rough.
During those times where it’s beyond words to describe how bad your day is going to hell, you think in the back of your head “Mommy, needs a drink.”
As you stare longingly into your tumbler, you pray for water to turn to wine that will make this tantrum sound better.
Sometimes mommy just desperately needs that drink.
1. Labor. You should get a damn gift basket full of wine after that miracle you just did. Also, Champaign and cookies.
2. Play dates. You know when you have to deal with those parents that you hate but, your kid likes their kid so you have to just suck it up anyway.
3. Night time. When daddy wears invisible ear plugs in the middle of the night.
4. Kids TV. Daniel Tiger, Elmo, Freaking Caillou. By the way why is that kid like five and still has no hair? Come on guys give that kid some damn hair.
5. Body. Having a flabby tummy that is when you need a drink the most. When you are trying to feel sexy and you see that.
6. What’s your name again? Forget you ever had a name, period. You aren’t Tiffany, Sam, Alex whatever, you are now Mommy, Mommy, Mama! You need a drink because you no longer have a name.
7. School Responsibilities. Mommy needs a drink because of parent teacher night. I mean really guys instead of offering coffee how about some wine.
8. Cleaning the house. Mommy needs a drink because of freaking laundry. That. Never. Ends.
9. Bills. Mommy and daddy both need a drink or two when writing out bills.
10. Kids Clothes. Mommy needs a drink because of socks. You will never understand a mother’s hatred of tiny human socks until you have a baby and have to match those damn disappearing socks.
11. Tantrums. Mommy needs a drink because the baby doesn’t want yogurt even though the liked it yesterday and the toddler in spilling legos all over the floor you just cleaned.
12. Nap time. Mommy needs a drink because of nap time and the fact that mommy, would like to take a nap just once. The kids seem to have enough energy to fill two Red Bull cans.
13. Bathroom time. Mommy needs a drink because the reality is setting in that you will never pee or poop alone again until your kids move out. Even if you lock the door those little creeps are still there. Waiting for you.
14. Sleep. Hahahahaha! Mommy needs a drink, a shot of Espresso, and a pillow to cry in. You simply don’t know what tired is until you become a mother.
15. Clothes. Mommy needs a drink because her clothes don’t fit anymore, you are in that awkward stage of “I’m not pregnant anymore, yet I’m still not skinny either.”
(Also, people still might be big assholes and ask when you are gonna have the baby.)
16. Doctors. Mommy needs a drink because of shots, the dentist, and having to pay for shots and the dentist.
17. Snack time. Mommy needs a drink because you just gave your kids dinner and thirty minutes later you hear this sentence, “Can I have a snack?” Freaking snacks, they will forever want a damn snack.
18. The devil. Mommy needs a drink because my cute baby has been taken over by the exorcist. They are suddenly, biting, kicking and screaming at you over a toy.
19. Mom-shaming. Mommy needs a drink because there is this disturbing thing other moms do, and it’s called mom-shaming where nothing anyone does is “good enough.”
Mommy needs a drink because everyone else needs to relax, and we all need to support each other.
20. There are no ‘Thank yous.’ Mommy needs a drink because raising and keeping those tiny humans alive is the hardest, thankless job you will ever have. There is no congrats, or thanks yous. Not for at least the next thirty years or ever.
But, would this mom and thousands of other moms do it all again? Hell yes with wine in hand.
Life is funny, crazy, and messy. Moms need their share of fruit too especially if it’s in a wine glass.