First off, I miss you

The memories still sting. We made many memories together over so many collective years. I can’t remember a time where we weren’t spending it together or making plans to spend time together. There wasn’t a concert I went to where you weren’t by my side. An we could never afford the floor seats. But you can bet we scream sang from the nose bleeds like our lives depended on it. I couldn’t take a spontaneous road trip that you without you riding shotgun. Remember that time I drove four hours at midnight just to play beer pong and chain smoke cigarettes with that weird guy you were talking to at the time?

Let’s be real, on any drunken night, you were there taking care of my wine drunk, heartbroken, loud ass while I was obnoxiously screaming Lizzo on my Snapchat story. We were stuck together like glue; and at every turn you were there.

When things got tough, you stepped up

I could always count on you for a fun time. But when shit hit the fan, I was able to count on you ten times more. When my life was falling apart, you seemed to be there to pick up all the sharp, tiny pieces that I was too afraid to touch. Whether it was, tearing myself down for not being the world’s most perfect mom, or being stressed about getting a C on an exam. And even down to gritty stuff, like some guy dumping me for another girl, you were my safe place. Let’s be real, you weren’t always the best with consoling me, but even when you fumbled through your encouraging words, it made everything better and easier to deal with. You gave me tough love when I needed it the most.

For example, that night we were supposed to go to a show downtown and I told you I couldn’t do this life anymore. I remember crying my eyes out, because I thought taking my own life would be easier than living the life I had. So you took me to dinner in hopes to bring me out of this funk, but it didn’t work. Then the next day, I checked into the hospital and you called me every single day I was there. I hated it. I hated feeling like I was trapped, but you were there to listen to me every damn day. And on the day I was released, you were there. You drove over an hour in the crappy Honda (that we never trusted to make it five miles up the road) just to pick me up and take me home. I miss that Honda now.

Auntie S

You were an aunt to my daughter. And you were always there for her. Because you put her first, like she was your own. We always joked about how we were going to force our kids to be best friends.  But to our surprise, they became best friends without any of our manipulation or bribery! And those girls played hard, so the laughter that filled the room when they had a playdate was unmatched. Whenever we took them out in public, we were a hot f’ing mess, but Lord was it fun! You loved my daughter in the way that I thought only I could. And you never treated her differently. Which was such a breath of fresh air. Whenever she melted like butter, you got on her level and brought this kind of peace to her and it calmed her down, every time.

You were my soulmate

We often quoted the infamous Grey’s Anatomy, “You’re my person” line. Basically, everyday actually. We shared everything with each other. Our deepest fears, secrets, hopes, dreams, and insecurities. I always felt validated, as if you knew what I was feeling and could almost always relate. We bonded over practically everything.

Although sometimes your taste in music was a smidge questionable. Still, we shared many tears and emotional breakdowns. We gave each other guy advice, which 90% of the time neither of us ever listened to. But we were still there for each other when things fell apart, and all because we didn’t listen. You accepted my Lizzo and Taylor Swift obsession with open arms. And we would laugh for hours at the dumbest things; not to mention the time we ate those “questionable” brownies and played Cards Against Humanity for hours.

The future without you

I depended on you. And counted on you to be there. So I never thought I would see a day where I’d wake up to this life and you wouldn’t be in it. We always talked about how one day, you would be my maid of honor at my wedding, giving some crappy speech talking about how I found someone to deal with my crazy for the rest of my life. Or for the birth of my second child. Along with ending up in an old folks’ home together, raising hell. Unfortunately, that isn’t going to happen anymore. As It seems fate had different plans for our friendship. Now I find myself stuck, doing this life without you. And I can feel a hole in my heart. A feeling that I never thought I would know.