There’s No Such Thing As Being The Perfect Parent

6. My child is going to have a well-developed palate – she will crave superfoods.

For the most part, my husband and I are conscious of what we put in our bodies (his at work vending machine purchases tell another story).

We indulge like all humans, but we try to keep it clean in our house… which is why I thought my child would follow suit. Kale ‘n stuff. Wrong. Despite my best efforts, there are days when my child’s menu includes French fries, still frozen Eggos, and cheddar by the block. It doesn’t matter if I put a veggie quiche in front of her; at the end of the day I need her to live. So that means calories with a side of GMOs and preservatives.

7. I will continue to have a social life.

HAHAHA. Nah, I’m definitely not coming to your party. I will still be pissed if I don’t get the courtesy invite though. An alternative: you could host your party at a super convenient location for me; Holiday maxes out at around 15 minutes of travel time. Even if I don’t bring her, I still do that weird check on her 37 times a night thing, so proximity is important.

8. I will be flexible and go with the flow.

There is no flow. Parenting is going as smoothly as when my high school boyfriend tried to teach me to drive a stick. The only thing we have figured out is her schedule. Live by the schedule, die by the schedule. Just this weekend my family wanted me to bring my kid to sushi for a 6:30pm reservation.

Right. I’ll just bring my child to some super trendy hotspot a half hour before her bedtime. Considering half of my childhood pictures have bongs and other paraphernalia featured in them, these requests don’t surprise me.

My mom’s signature grandparenting statement has been, “if she’s tired, she’ll sleep.” GTFOH. Hey guys, not sure if you knew… but it’s that simple. My mother also thinks that car seats are obsolete; if anyone is looking for a babysitter, I can give you her contact info.