There’s No Such Thing As Being The Perfect Parent

It’s not a matter of if you’ll have to leave early, it’s more a question of at what point you’ll have to throw your credit card at your server and beg for to-go boxes.

That iPhone screen will potentially buy my husband or me a few uninterrupted bites – where I don’t so much as taste my food, but shove it forcefully into my mouth. It beats doing so while standing in my kitchen.

3. My child will not make a mess in a restaurant.

Actually, my child is going to make a huge mess. But I will try to clean up as much as possible and I will tip you well over 20%.

4. I’m not going to talk about my kid constantly.

This is one of those annoying ones, because even if you legitimately don’t want to talk about your child I’ve found it just happens. Having a kid is like doing cross fit and being a vegan, combined.

Trust me, I love Holiday and would sit you down in an interrogation room Law & Order style, holding you hostage, with a projector of all 1,345 phone pictures on loop… I just don’t have access to an interrogation room or a quality projector.

5. My child is never going to be in my bed with me.

My child was in my bed, until I sleep trained her and broke her spirit.