How my pain as a child became my strength as a mom

I saw things I knew when I got older, was never going to be part of my life.  When I became a teenager, I decided I wanted to try to be a part of my families life again. And I never wanted to be back in my moms life. Because her choice was to continuously end up in the hospital from drugs to get sympathy from her family.

And nothing was more sad than seeing someone thinking they are not loved and they have to hurt themselves to get that attention. And that was only the beginning of my images of my mom. So it was hard to be raised with no mother. Eventually I was adopted by my grandmother and I’m thankful everyday for her.

The hurt I feel everyday from now being a mother myself is unfathomable.  When I turned 16 I was in a relationship with my children’s father. And I  had my first baby, Amira at 16. So it was truly hard for me because I never knew what love was. And  I was never loved enough to feel complete. My grandmother worked so hard to provide for me and my sister that she didn’t have time to spend with us.

It was lonely most days. And I was raising myself. I taught myself things I had no idea about, but I did the best I could.

Becoming a mom after this tragic trail of events in my life made me wonder how? How does one mother and father choose bad habits over having their children? Instead of loving their children, raising their children? They didn’t care for any of that. Drugs is what they wanted and nothing would get in their way of it.

I felt hopeless at points of their downfall. While I  watched other families together living the life I have always wanted. My mom and dad didn’t care where I was, or how I was doing. Because they had their own things to take care of. So taaking care of their children was never a priority, and it showed.

I wake up every morning and I see little Humans I created. And I think, how? Just how can that not wake you up. Because when you are a parent, it is no longer about you. It’s about the innocent children you brought into the world that can’t do anything for themselves alone. And you are suppose to help mold them into who they will become.