They were absolutely right, it’s amazing. Being a mom is the best job on the planet, and there’s nothing more rewarding.
But the one thing they forgot to mention, though, was all of the little things I’d miss. All the mommy bloggers and Pinterest perfectionists make it look so cute and easy…but there’s a lot of behind the scenes stuff they don’t cover.
Cue dream sequence.
Ideally, you thought you would wake up, have your coffee while smiling as your kiddos play quietly on the floor. You make them a well-rounded breakfast with fresh squeezed OJ. Take them to some fun mommy-and-me class, bake something healthy for them to snack on, and then feed them a delicious kale salad for lunch.
You would put them snugly in their beds for nap time and then clean the house in peace. Craft with them when they wake and create a masterpiece to hang on the fridge and then make dinner while they sit at the table reading their flash cards. Have dinner on the table when daddy arrives home and then go for a nice family walk.
Take them home and read exactly 2 books and then tuck them in as they fall soundly asleep. Mommy time. Mud mask, take down your perfectly coiffed hair and apply oil treatment made from a pin you saw earlier, a nice hot shower, mind-blowing sex with daddy and then a good night’s sleep.
End scene.
Yeah fucking right!
I love my children more than life itself but there are definitely some things I wish I could have back.
1. Going to the bathroom alone. I often do this now with my daughter on my lap begging to nurse…I know, yuck!
2. Keeping my nails manicured. A soon as I apply Polish someone is going to wake up and they’ll be
fucked anyway. Now, I only cut them to avoid getting shit under them when I change diapers.
3. Sleep. For fuck’s sake why don’t these kids sleep?! Where are they getting this energy from?!
4. TV marathons. Not the animated kind.
5. Having a full adult conversation. One that isn’t abbreviated by saying “Hold on honey, mommy is talking” a thousand times.
6. Relaxing meals. Dinner is constantly punctuated with “Chew with your mouth closed,” and “Don’t put that in your nose.” Don’t even get me started on being able to eat all of my own food, “You have the same thing on your plate, eat it!”
7. Leaving the house on a whim. This is like fighting two greased pigs headed for slaughter.
8. Reading. I was never a huge reader but I should have taken advantage.
9. Road trips. I loathe the thought of more than a half-hour car ride since that’s about the time the banshees start and I. Hate. Whining.
10. MY BOOBS! I could kick my former self for being so self-critical. Now I look like some droopy version of the cookie monster with a toddler constantly reaching down my shirt for “bobos.” Breast is best, I get it, but Jesus…can you not?! I pretty much have to tuck and roll them to get them in my bra.
Being a mother is beautiful, rewarding, and fun. It’s also messy, frustrating and often humiliating. I’m not a perfect Pinterest mom, I work my ass off by day and try my hardest by night to have my kiddos happy and healthy.
You feed your kid that kale salad and I’ll give mine hot dogs, on a gluten-filled bun. You take your family for a walk on the beach and I’ll sit mine down to watch Trolls for the fifth time this week because, well, I’m too tired to walk.
You’re free to paint a glorious picture of motherhood, that’s awesome. I’ll keep mine real, though. I love this life, even when it’s not perfect. Yes, I wish I had some of my liberties back but at the end of the day, it’s worth it.
P.S. I forgot one…sex. That is all.