My Experience
There are things in life that I never want to experience, and would never wish upon anyone. But we dont always get what we want. I got pregnant at 18 years old, about to turn 19. Yeah I know. 18. I never thought I would get pregnant at 18 years old and have a baby at 19. No one I think does. But I did.
It was mid December when I had a feeling I was. So I stopped smoking. My boyfriend and I were living with his mom at the time. I thought something was wrong cause I didnt get my period this month after I had my normal cycle and I got it last month in November. It’s just a little late, it’ll be fine, it’ll show up.
January then came and it’s only the end week of the month. Still no period. So I told my boyfriend that we need to get a pregnancy test since I’m late and have that gut feeling, you know like when you get butterflies, yeah I had those. So as I tell him that, his mom walked in and said “good thing I bought u one since u said u were late.”
She then walked into the living room and showed me what the test looked like and it was one of the droplet things where u drop ur pee on the test. So I went to the bathroom, peed in a cup and walked out into the living room and said I dont know how to do this. She said she’d do it for me and it’s me, my boyfriend and his mom all on one couch. Shes about to do the test and me and my boyfriend are scared for wht the test says. So she drops the pee on the test and then she says “you’re pregnant. There’s 2 bright blue lines.”
Right then and there I started to cry. Not happy tears either. More like wtf am I gonna do tears. I’m crying and he just froze.
I dont blame him either, I feel the same way. His mom said that I was probably a month along already since I didn’t get my period in December, but I should see a doctor to get a confirmation pregnancy.
So we made an appointment and saw the doctor the next week and had me do a urine test and they said it came back positive. I was already 6 to 7 weeks along is wht the doctor said. They asked me the normal questions, if I wanted to keep it and I said yes and then they figured out my due date based on my last period and they said that I was due August 22, 2020.
After that appointment I made an appointment to see an OBGYN and they got me in a few days after my last appointment. Then i remembered that I was I to go see my mom for a couple days that coming weekend. And I’m thinking, how the f*** am I gonna tell her that I’m pregnant. It’s not easy. My mom was my only parent growing up and we tell each other everything. It’s not like yeah mom by the way I’m pregnant and shes suppose to be like, okay great. No. It didnt go anything like that.
She picked me up from my boyfriends moms for the weekend and while she was driving, she asked me if I wanted a cigarette and I said no I dont smoke anymore and she asked why, I said cause I cant afford them anymore. She then said you’re pregnant aren’t you. I bawled. And I couldn’t even look at her. I felt like I failed her as a daughter.
My mom just put her head on the steering wheel and said what are you gonna do? I said I dont know what I’m going to do mom. I’m 18 years old and I’m pregnant. It’s not like it was planned. But I told her about the appointment I have in a few days to see my OBGYN, and she asked if she could go and I said yes cause I originally planned for her to go with anyway.
So my mom went with me since my boyfriend had to work and we went through all the paper stuff and then the nurse took me into the ultrasound room and had me change and said the doctor will be in in a second. The doctor came in, talked to me about whts going to happen and told me how they were gonna do the ultrasound.
So we’re doing the ultrasound, and I’m looking on the screen and my doctor goes there’s your baby! I see this little human shaped blob on the screen and the doctor switched something on her computer where u could hear the heartbeat. And let me tell u something. You dont know how much love I had for that baby till I heard its heartbeat. I cried when I heard it.
The doctor said that the baby looked good and printed my ultrasound picture out and to come back in a couple weeks then she had me on my way. After the appointment, my mom and I went out to eat, then stopped at Walmart so I could get a couple baby hats so I could make a sign revealing that we were pregnant.
On our way home she said that she thinks I’m going to have a girl based on the heart rate, which was 157.6 or something like that. But she thought that I was going to have a girl because if the heart rate is over 150, your most likely having a girl. I said well let’s hope not cause I would like a boy first instead of the spawn of satan, my mini me, whatever u would call her lol. But I would love them no matter what the gender was.
I had cravings like crazy. I couldn’t stop eating, I was always hungry, always tired, moody and it didnt help that I have bipolar disorder along with depression and anxiety. You have those 3 things on top of pregnancy hormones, that’s a lot to deal with. So I give props to my boyfriend for putting up with that haha. But everything was going good and normal. No morning sickness which was nice because I heard that if you dont get morning sickness your lucky because its miserable.
I went back 2 weeks later to the doctor for my next ultrasound appointment. I will never forget this day. It was me, my mom and my boyfriend at this appointment. One of the nurses came in and asked my boyfriend and I questions for when I give birth like if he wanted to cut the cord, if i was going to breastfeed, stuff like that. So after that, she nurse said to change and the doctor will be right in. So I change and lay down in the chair waiting for the doctor and she comes in, and does her thing to prepare for the ultrasound.
My mom and I have our phones out ready to record the ultrasound since we wanted the heartbeat on video along with the baby of course. My boyfriend and my mom and I are looking at the screen and we’re all looking at the baby and then the doctor switched to hear the heartbeat. U could see the baby… but u couldn’t hear a heartbeat. I knew something was wrong when I didnt see waves on the bottom where the heartbeat was at my last appointment.
So I stopped recording on my phone and the doctor went “huh… have you had any bleeding at all?” I said “no” she says “well there’s no heartbeat.” My heart dropped that day. I bursted out crying. Crying my lungs out and and just cried and cried. I dont think most people truly understand how much is lost when a baby dies. You dont just lose a baby, you also lose the 1 and 2 and 10 and 16 year old he or she would’ve become. You lose their first steps, Christmas mornings, loose teeth, first day of school, you lose it all.
The doctor said she was sorry for our loss and then said to come back next week because she wanted to see if I could pass the baby on my own and if not then I would have to have a D&C done.
So we all left and went out to eat that day and went home and cried. I cried for a few days and then I must’ve ran out of tears because when I did try to cry, nothing came out. It was hard. My depression got worse. I said that I never wanted kids after this one because I was afraid that I would have another miscarriage since they say if you have one you’re most likely going to have another. So I said never again will I get pregnant and have kids.
I get a call from my clinic the day after I found out I lost the baby and they said that they were sorry for my loss and that I could get a shot called Rogham. The nurse said its suppose to help women carry babies full term, since they think I lost the baby because of my blood type and I’m B-. They said if mines a negative and the babies a positive, I will most likely have a miscarriage. So I went in the day after we lost the baby and got the shot.
A week went by and I still didnt pass the baby on my own so I went to by appointment that I had scheduled a week ago. They asked if I was bleeding, or had anything and I said no, nothing. So I had her do an ultrasound again just to make sure there wasnt a heartbeat and there wasnt. So she scheduled me for a D&C the next day.
Today… today’s the day where I have my baby; my unborn baby removed from my body. A D&C is horrible. I had the normal check in, the IV put in, wheel me away to the operating room and put me to sleep. Like it was all a dream. Woke up and went home. Literally like it was all a bad dream. You wake up from the worst thing that could happen to you.
I felt so much guilt and pain from all of that. And I felt that I did something wrong, that I ate something or did too much moving around that caused me to lose the baby. I never thought that I would’ve had to go through that. No one hope’s that they have a miscarriage and I would never wish upon anyone to have one. It was the worst day of my life. I can say that now, now that I’m 19 and have had some bad things happen in my life and that I can say this was my #1 worst day.
A few months go by and me and my boyfriend are at a friend house and this woman was here and her and I were talking and she asked me if I was pregnant or was pregnant and I said that I had a miscarriage in January, but we never knew what the baby was. She said “did u wanna know?” I said “we can’t, I wasnt far enough along to know” she said that I would’ve had a boy. She said she was a psychic medium and I believe her. She saw a blue folded blanket in front of me. When a blanket is folded that means that a baby passed away or is going to and if the blanket is open then that means I’m going to have a baby in the future. So she told me about the blue folded one, then she said she saw an open pink one, a folded pink one, and 2 open blue ones. So I would’ve had a boy, will have a girl in the future, lose a baby girl in the future and have 2 twin boys in the future.
But she said that my baby boy is ok. Hes happy and my past relatives are taking care of him until me and his daddy are with him. That put me in a better perspective on I still feel about the baby’s loss. I’m happy knowing hes ok and happy and safe.
This is what I would say to my baby if he could hear me wherever he is…
You’ll always be my favorite what if. Your tiny little short life was taken at just 10 weeks old. I carried you every second of your life and I will forever love you every second of mine. You were only carried for a short moment but you are still so loved by many. We never will get to experience the happiness of holding you, but we still felt like we knew you because you were our little angel. I’ll never get to hear you laugh or cry and giggle or see your little toes wiggle.
There are so many things I will never see or get to do, but the hardest thing is not being with you. I didn’t get to see you, I didnt get to meet you or even say goodbye, all I had were 2 simple lines… and they meant the world to me. You were my everything even though you were still so little. And you made me feel happy. And made me feel like I had hope deep down inside. You gave me a reason to live. I’m still living for you and your future siblings. I know I’ll hold you in my arms again one day. Just when the time is right. I love u my baby guardian angel. Mommy & Daddy
An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby’s birth. Then whispered as she closed the book, ” too beautiful for earth.”