How My pain became my Strength
My Pain
Growing up was difficult for me. And losing the connection between my family made my love die right in front of me. My world turned everyday and every morning I would pray. Pray that things would some how change. And so, I never truly knew what love was. What love meant to me.
I was taken away from my parents at age 3. And I had no idea about anything in life at this point. For me, this was “normal. ! So my normal was just going with the flow, like it was suppose to be just the way it was happening!
My Childhood
I look back on reflections of disturbing images from back then. Like walking in the hospital room and seeing my mom on life support due to drug use. This shattered my 14 year old heart.
And when I was 2-3 my baby brother passed away at just 5 months old. As a toddler, I didn’t know what that meant to a person.
My Adulthood
Now, I am old enough to really see everything that has happened to me in the past. I have to say all this trauma has made me into who I am today! A strong woman. As a child, I saw things I wish I never had to.
Things like needles to drugs on counters to my dad locking himself in his room neglecting all his children in order to use.
I saw things I knew when I got older, was never going to be part of my life. When I became a teenager, I decided I wanted to try to be a part of my families life again. And I never wanted to be back in my moms life. Because her choice was to continuously end up in the hospital from drugs to get sympathy from her family.
And nothing was more sad than seeing someone thinking they are not loved and they have to hurt themselves to get that attention. And that was only the beginning of my images of my mom. So it was hard to be raised with no mother. Eventually I was adopted by my grandmother and I’m thankful everyday for her.
My Pain
The hurt I feel everyday from now being a mother myself is unfathomable. When I turned 16 I was in a relationship with my children’s father. And I had my first baby, Amira at 16. So it was truly hard for me because I never knew what love was. And I was never loved enough to feel complete. My grandmother worked so hard to provide for me and my sister that she didn’t have time to spend with us.
It was lonely most days. And I was raising myself. I taught myself things I had no idea about, but I did the best I could.
Becoming A Mom
Becoming a mom after this tragic trail of events in my life made me wonder how? How does one mother and father choose bad habits over having their children? Instead of loving their children, raising their children? They didn’t care for any of that. Drugs is what they wanted and nothing would get in their way of it.
I felt hopeless at points of their downfall. While I watched other families together living the life I have always wanted. My mom and dad didn’t care where I was, or how I was doing. Because they had their own things to take care of. So taaking care of their children was never a priority, and it showed.
I wake up every morning and I see little Humans I created. And I think, how? Just how can that not wake you up. Because when you are a parent, it is no longer about you. It’s about the innocent children you brought into the world that can’t do anything for themselves alone. And you are suppose to help mold them into who they will become.
I Did Not Know What Love Was
From my past, to have become someone who knows nothing other than love. I conceived my first child at 16. I felt so lost of love that i didn’t want to continue with life anymore. And I was depressed . Confused of why me . I thought maybe I could love a human like no one loved me. And I had nothing but hopes and dreams while being a mom. I wanted to accomplish everything my parents never had.
Amira
When Amira came into this world. Let me tell you, that cold dark past that I thought would never leave my shoulders, left. And that weight was lifted when they laid that baby on my chest. Feeling her heart beat made mine pump faster ! Wow, I finally experienced what love felt like and it felt so good. I just wish I had known it sooner. (mind you this is about my parents – my gram always loved me)
High School As A Mom
While I was still in high school, I was also a full time mom. And it made me want to work harder. Even though the dark was lifted from me and I did feel lighter. I still had some hurt left. And from what was left, was the motivation that pushed me to want the opposite of what I had growing up.
Looking Back
I could go on about my life and there is so much I could express and share. Like how I overcame those obstacles. And I would be more then happy to share more about me with you.
Just know that you are not alone. I am here to comfort you support you help you overcome dark thoughts !
Loving More
Becoming a mother after all this has made me love more than I thought I ever could. I couldn’t hug enough, I couldn’t kiss their forehead enough, I couldn’t say I love you enough, I couldn’t stop staring enough . Enough was never enough for all my love I had for my little humans .
Grateful
I became so strong and independent after I had my first baby. And I got my first apartment. got my CNA, I graduated high school (No one in my family has ever graduated besides one uncle). And I felt accomplished. I felt whole. Which was something I didn’t know existed!
I woke up every morning remembering that my life is so full and complete! And I have these little ones who look up to me, depend on me, and love me endlessly.
See, my whole life growing up i never expected to be where i am now…. holy cow I overcame my dark past. And I created the most beautiful present one.
Struggling Is Ok
I guess what I want to convey from this post is that it’s okay to have struggled and to be struggling. That we sometimes think we are at the end because it’s not where we want to be. But that is only the beginning. From losing my brother to parents getting into drugs and having more kids after not even being able to take care of me ? I was confused. And I thought; well this is it .. this is what my life is going to be like.
Looking Back
Looking back, I honestly could never change the damage that has ever happened to me. That damage created the most loving mom. My kids come first with everything in life. And I baby my kids because love is so valuable. Because love is so heavy, it can either weigh you down or lift you up. So when I said i never wanted my kids to experience the life I lived, I kept my word. And I made sure they knew what love was, How love is so very important.
My Pain Is Where I Gained My Strength
I love waking up everyday to the loves of my life. I’m so blessed to have my little ones look up to me everyday- I finally felt love everywhere. I felt the tingle sensation in my heart. And I felt the part where I couldn’t stop smiling. I felt the missing part of me come back and Create me whole again! And I not only gained strength and love from my dark past, I also learned how to love and show strength.
Never Give Up
Everyone .. never give up no matter what. We face some of the hardest things in our lives and it’s only to create the person we are suppose to be. As long as you believe. Love is so fragile and we shouldn’t take advantage of it. And our kids deserve love beyond (like my kids. So do the extra things to prove your love to them.
I am so happy I never gave up. And I pushed to be where I am today because if I where to fallow the path my life was going down I don’t know if I would be here today. I took a different path which is way out of my comfort zone. And It was the BEST decision I have ever made. Truly. Please please please hug your kids and kiss them. Remember to play with them and advocate for them.
Thank Your Parents
The truth is, my parents made me who I am today. Because parents, good or bad, are the biggest influencers we have today. So I cannot thank my parents enough because I became such a loving caring inspirational mom from everything.
You Are Not Alone
I am here to tell you that you are not alone, no matter your story. We all have stories to tell and I want to help you by telling you mine.
So let the quiet ones know that’s it’s okay to be battling things in life and that people want to help you through it.
Myself, and every single one of you are inspirational because you keep waking up everyday to continue moving forward. Some days are harder then others but never give up! You write your own stories- create the life you want ??
