The Cries No One Tells You About
I had a lot of baby experience pre-mommyhood and it makes things a whole lot easier. For me, there was no awkward first days of learning to diaper properly or learning to dress a delicate baby quickly and safely. I already had it all down. As far as the practical aspect of baby care, breastfeeding was the only thing I had to figure out and we were incredibly lucky to have a baby who was an expert at latching from birth. Truthfully, breastfeeding, although exhausting at times, came very naturally to me.
However, the way life changes when you have a baby is something nothing and no one can prepare you for. Even though I adore my son more than anything in this world and I’m more than happy to have these changes in my life; it’s been an adjustment to say the least.
Truth be told, I was a little unprepared for just how taxing it would be to try and recover from the physical trauma of childbirth while taking care of this new little person. From night one, he decided he does NOT sleep in the bassinet we so lovingly prepared for him. In fact, up until he was 2 weeks old, he didn’t even nap in it. He insists on being on my chest at all times which, no surprise is not the easiest thing to manage when you yourself would also like to sleep at some point.
When I was a nanny, I had the ability to always enforce what was best for the children long term. I could follow all the rules and provide top of the line care at all times. It’s not that my son doesn’t get the best care possible as well but there are huge differences in the way I meet my baby’s needs versus the way I took care of children that were not my own.
The big difference is that when kids in my care cried or resisted the routines their parents had given me to follow, it didn’t really impact me. Yes, I cared that they were crying and sought to meet their needs and comfort them. But I didn’t feel anything emotionally like I do with my son.
When he cries it breaks me a little. I feel like my sole purpose in that moment is to meet his needs and comfort him. It’s a feeling I can’t explain fully and that I never could have anticipated. I think it’s simply a part of being a mother to feel so strongly in response to your child’s cries. It’s what keeps us going. Even though we’re exhausted and drained, our child’s cry for us – their need will always win.
But it’s what happens when our crying child is just.. crying that needs to be discussed more often. For the first few weeks, Elias only cried when he had a need I could easily fulfill. He was hungry or he needed a new diaper. But when he hit 3 weeks old, a switch flipped.
He developed some serious issues with gas related to an oversupply issue I was having. And while I of course immediately did my research and figured out ways to address this and help him, much like how the issue developed over time, the solutions were not instantaneous.
When your baby cries and you cannot immediately “fix it” for them – it’s extremely challenging on many levels. Aside from the fact that your child’s cries make you sad in general, you feel like you’re failing them when the answer to their troubles isn’t a quick feed or snuggle.
We talk about what a baby’s cries mean and how to respond. How to stay calm and collected. How to assess needs and fulfill them for your baby. But it’s rarely discussed that sometimes – babies just cry. No one tells you how you’re supposed to handle that. And honestly, I can’t tell you either.
But I can tell you that it gets better. Fussiness, colic, reflux – it’s all part of baby-hood and as a mom who is going through it I can only give this advice.
1. Do your best.
Comfort your baby and work on helping ease their pain or issues. But realize that all you can do is your best. There isn’t a parent out there that is capable of curing every ailment their baby has within 10 seconds.
2.Know when to get help.
This is two-fold. Don’t be too proud to ask for help, to ask someone else to rock the baby for a while. It also means knowing when to ask professionals questions. Don’t ever feel stupid for asking your doctor about issues your baby is having. It’s never wrong to ask. It’s worse to let your baby (and you) suffer through things that can be helped.
3. Do what you have to do.
Sometimes that will mean putting baby down for a minute and collecting yourself even though the crying isn’t over. For me, it meant giving in and getting alcohol-free gripe water to give my son even though I swore I wouldn’t use anything like that. When I finally did – he got better. He stopped crying. He started sleeping. And because he felt better, so did I. Of course don’t do anything without consulting your doctor to make sure it’s okay and never, ever inflict any harm on your baby or yourself but as long as you can find safe, healthy ways to cope – give it a try.
4. Talk about it.
Sometimes the easiest way to deal is to talk to someone else, specifically another mom. When we don’t discuss it it’s easy to assume no one else in the world understands or is dealing with the struggles we are. It creates this bubble where we are alone and isolated which only magnifies the issues and makes them seem impossible to overcome. Talking can be helpful in countless ways whether it’s simply having someone to listen or someone to validate what you’re going through. It can mean you get feedback and support that you are in fact doing a good job and it can even mean getting advice and tips to help you deal from someone who has also been there.
5. Hang in there.
As I said, it does get better. Growth spurts will end. The baby will eventually fall asleep. There is no issue that is going to be never-ending, especially if you’re working on them to the best of your ability. If something seems really wrong ALWAYS talk to the doctor about it but most situations you encounter will be normal “baby stuff” and it will pass.
Babies are all different but one thing they have in common is that they will all catch colds, teethe, go through days of cluster feeding, and they will ALL cry. You’re not alone and you can do this!