The end, of all the dreams I had for that tiny little infant, I held so tenderly in my hands, so long ago. The end of worries if I’m doing a good enough job, am I setting a good example. The end of endless night making cupcakes and finishing projects for school, the end of the endless shows being put on, the end of costume changes, the end of trips to the playground, the end of reading books at night, the end of picking up all the toys off the floors, the end of piles and piles of endless laundry that just magically appeared. It was the end of being a Mom to a child.
My daughter was now on her way to becoming one of the most outstanding women this world will ever know.
The Adjusting
It took time to adjust. Still, adjusting to making smaller dinners, sometimes just for two, because my youngest is never home. And if she is, it’s so quiet in the house now, we barely know she’s here. Once in a while I can hear her on the phone, usually on speakerphone. Usually, she‘s on the phone with her sister. In a way I am very sad for her, she has never been alone, she’s had her sister by her side since birth, I cried for her,. Then I saw her bloom even more, she became even more driven. Kept herself so busy, she was barely alone.
The Applications
Now, starting this pastfall, we started applying to colleges for my youngest. I actually have procrastinated doing it all. It nauseates me, to even think about. Not that I am not as proud, or supportive of her. I am so scared of not having my children at home anymore. She has me by her side for the rest of her life, like she always has had. She has narrowed it down to the final two. Getting the last of the paperwork in so she can make the final decision within the next month or so.
Again, we start the process of buying more dorm items, calculating financial aid ( I’ll be the one eating Ramen along side of them to make this all possible ), deciding what is going to be packed and needed. At the same time, we are getting ready for graduation, celebrating her 18th birthday, and one last summer with all her friends, before they all go off their separate ways to make their way in this world. One step at a time.
The Self Doubt
This should be an amazing time for us. Instead, I find myself getting depressed and anxious for what’s to come after. I’m dreading the walk back in that door this year. I don’t want it here,
I’m not ready for it to be here. I am not ok. Mentally I am aware and am helping, supporting and doing what I am supposed to be doing. I actually have been put back on anxiety medication. My doctor, my friends and family, my boyfriend, as well as myself, are mentally and physically preparing for my mental breakdown. It’s coming, it’s here, just building.
I can pretend, really well, only let it show to certain people. How am I already at this point in my life? How did all these years go by without me knowing? How have my babies grown up and me not appreciate the moments while they were being made? How have I allowed my stressors to disassociate myself from the realities, for all these years? I have so many questions, and will never have answers. I have the answers, but then the answers turn into regrets. And the regret make me feel like a failure, and I didn’t do a good enough job.
