When Your Children Grow Up
I am a 37-year-old single mother, I have been a single mom for 19+ wonderful years. (Wonderful, yes, because you don’t realize how wonderful they are until they are over.
The Tears
Crying every night because of the frustrations of two tiny children always up your you-know-what. Having to lock yourself in the bathroom just to have a moment of privacy to do the crying, so no one sees you breaking. ) I am a beyond blessed mother of two, one is halfway done finishing her second year of college ( at a a pretty prestigious school I may add, bragging a bit, it’s a right I was given! ) and my baby, is going to graduate High School this June, with National Honor Society distinction.
She will be heading to one of two very prestigious, outstanding Universities this fall.
The Pride
I may say, as I am so proud that they both have all these achievements, and I have taught them well enough, to go after what is wanted, by any means, which will always take hard work and dedication. They have in them, the knowledge, the will and the courage to achieve all of their dreams. I’ve always had big dreams for them, but to realize that those dreams have become their own dreams, and are now becoming a reality, it Priceless in itself. (Not exactly priceless, haha, nothing in life is, except love.)
The Committment
But, I have committed myself to put myself last ( for the most part ), so that they can, so that they will, make it to these dreams, to make these dreams their reality. I want more in life for them, then myself. If I succeed at this, I, myself, have succeeded with my dreams.
The Dream
The dream of making sure they never go without, or if they do, they don’t know it. The dream, that they never feel alone and that they feel and know they are loved and wanted, every single day of their lives. The dream that they grow up happy without a care. The dream that they have a childhood, a real childhood. The dream that they are respectable & honorable teenagers. The dream that they go off to college, graduate and live amazing, fulfilling lives.T That dream, is all becoming a reality. I have fulfilled most of my dreams. Within a few short months, I will have two full time college students, and no kids at home.
I said it. Two children away at school, and no kids at home. No kids at home. No kids at home.
The Truth
I have to be honest here. I had a very hard time the first year, my oldest went off to school. Never mind, the school is in the same state as we live. It was such an exciting, sad and terrifying time, buying everything for her dorm, packing things up in her room, taking things off the walls. Washing and packing clothes. Then moving in day. Still an exciting, yet terrifying and extremely sad, proud moment. We moved her in, had lunch, cried and cried and cried and cried when we had to say so long.
Then seeing my daughters cry and cry and cry, because it was the first time they would ever be apart this long. I cried all the way home, that was the longest hour of my life. I dreaded walking in that door. At this point in my life, I finally met the man of my dreams after being single for about 16 years. I kept all relationships out of my home until I knew it was the right one. We moved in together and for the first time in 13 or more years, there was a man in the house. Thankfully, I had him. I feel bad for him. ( lol ) At this point though, I didn’t even care or realize that he was right there next to me. I was in my own sad little world. Pulling in the driveway, walking into that house, I felt the emptiness already.
Something was already missing.
I walked to her room, for the first time in 17 years, her bed was made and her room was cleaned, without me asking for it to be done. I cried, no I’d be lying if I said that, I ugly cried. I walked around the room, touching everything, I sat on her bed and grabbed a pillow, fell back and cried into it. How is this happy moment so unbelievably sad? Why do I feel like my heart has been torn out? I know she still needs me, for money, food, rides and the occasional laundry load that will come home. I’ll talk to her all the time. I cried, because I knew it was the beginning of the end. The end of childhood.
The end, of all the dreams I had for that tiny little infant, I held so tenderly in my hands, so long ago. The end of worries if I’m doing a good enough job, am I setting a good example. The end of endless night making cupcakes and finishing projects for school, the end of the endless shows being put on, the end of costume changes, the end of trips to the playground, the end of reading books at night, the end of picking up all the toys off the floors, the end of piles and piles of endless laundry that just magically appeared. It was the end of being a Mom to a child.
My daughter was now on her way to becoming one of the most outstanding women this world will ever know.
The Adjusting
It took time to adjust. Still, adjusting to making smaller dinners, sometimes just for two, because my youngest is never home. And if she is, it’s so quiet in the house now, we barely know she’s here. Once in a while I can hear her on the phone, usually on speakerphone. Usually, she‘s on the phone with her sister. In a way I am very sad for her, she has never been alone, she’s had her sister by her side since birth, I cried for her,. Then I saw her bloom even more, she became even more driven. Kept herself so busy, she was barely alone.
The Applications
Now, starting this past fall, we started applying to colleges for my youngest. I actually have procrastinated doing it all. It nauseates me, to even think about. Not that I am not as proud, or supportive of her. I am so scared of not having my children at home anymore. She has me by her side for the rest of her life, like she always has had. She has narrowed it down to the final two. Getting the last of the paperwork in so she can make the final decision within the next month or so.
Again, we start the process of buying more dorm items, calculating financial aid ( I’ll be the one eating Ramen along side of them to make this all possible ), deciding what is going to be packed and needed. At the same time, we are getting ready for graduation, celebrating her 18th birthday, and one last summer with all her friends, before they all go off their separate ways to make their way in this world. One step at a time.
The Self Doubt
This should be an amazing time for us. Instead, I find myself getting depressed and anxious for what’s to come after. I’m dreading the walk back in that door this year. I don’t want it here,
I’m not ready for it to be here. I am not ok. Mentally I am aware and am helping, supporting and doing what I am supposed to be doing. I actually have been put back on anxiety medication. My doctor, my friends and family, my boyfriend, as well as myself, are mentally and physically preparing for my mental breakdown. It’s coming, it’s here, just building.
I can pretend, really well, only let it show to certain people. How am I already at this point in my life? How did all these years go by without me knowing? How have my babies grown up and me not appreciate the moments while they were being made? How have I allowed my stressors to disassociate myself from the realities, for all these years? I have so many questions, and will never have answers. I have the answers, but then the answers turn into regrets. And the regret make me feel like a failure, and I didn’t do a good enough job.
The Could Haves’
I could have been a better role model, I could’ve loved them more, I could have been more nurturing. i could have been a better supporter. I could of tried harder instead of giving up at some moments. Did I do a good enough job being your mom? I know I could of done better, and for that, I am so sorry.
These are the things that go through my mind. I know I did all I could and still do. But we can always do better, at everything. Isn’t that what we teach our kids. Always make yourself better! I’m struggling at this. Trying to make myself better. I know the girls feel better leaving, because I am not alone. He will always be here. He’s my soulmate, if time persisted and we could still have the children we have, I wish I met him a lifetime ago. But this is also, the end of a life, the three of us only know.
The Next Chapter
This chapter of our lives is coming to an end, a new exciting chapter waiting to unfold and be written. I do not know what to expect in this next chapter. This is where we all get to write our own stories. The girls will begin to write their own chapters, as will I.
The next year, is going to be a challenging one. One of finding out what I am truly capable of. Finding out who I am, as a person. I hope I m strong enough. I hope I can find a way to wake up every morning, even though I know I don’t have to get any one up for school, knowing there is no breakfast or lunches to make, knowing there is no one to make dinner for but myself ( and him of course ).
The Anxiety
The anxieties are real, they are here. But having anxiety over knowing you raised two remarkable, respectable, loving, beautiful daughters, getting ready to make their way into the world. It’s not a bad anxiety to have. Is it?