I’m your child. I’m a part of you.

 

You never recognized just how much I needed you growing up. You never cared, to be honest.

 

I needed my father to get the monsters under my bed. And I needed my father to fix my knee when I fell and scraped it.

 

I needed my father to take me to the father/daughter dance at school.

 

And I needed my father to show me how a man is supposed to treat a woman. I needed my father to protect me from getting my heart broken by the guy I was dating.

 

And I needed my father to be a grandfather to my child.

 

I needed my father. I just needed you there.

 

But your addiction was too strong.

 

You needed the alcohol, the pills, the needles in your arms. You needed them more than you needed to be a father.

 

Growing up with you as a father was unbelievably toxic and damaging.

 

I never had any healthy self-esteem as a normal person should. It set my path for future relationships to look for guys like you.

 

I always thought that because my own father didn’t love me, I wasn’t capable of being loved.

 

So I dated guys that treated me poorly, lied to me, cheated on me, called me absolutely horrendous names.

 

I let them verbally and emotionally abuse me. And I kept going back to them, despite knowing it was toxic.

 

 

I don’t hate you. And I don’t wish you harm. I don’t wish for anything; I stopped wishing for you to step up and be a father years ago.

 

I’ve come to terms with the fact that you’ll never step up and be the father I always imagined you could be.

 

I’d be lying if I said that it didn’t still hurt, but I won’t let that stop me from moving on with my life.

 

I know I’m worth so much more than what I’ve always felt.

 

I’ll never choose drugs or alcohol over my child like you did. My child will grow up knowing that his mother loves him more than anything.

 

He will grow up knowing that he’s smart, loved and capable of doing anything he sets his mind to.