4 Ways We Unknowingly Lose Ourselves in Relationships

Nancy Johnston

5 years ago

At the beginning of a relationship, it is easy to become intoxicated and consumed by another person. We often give in to our infatuation, allowing our other relationships, obligations, and interests to take a back seat. And while many may think that this is normal, most would agree that it is not healthy for any of the parties involved.

Although this often happens in the early stages of romantic relationships, an unhealthy preoccupation with one person can occur with any meaningful relationship in our lives, whether with our partners, friends, co-workers, or family members. When we prioritize one relationship over all others, we inadvertently lose track of ourselves and start making decisions that disregard our own self-interest. Perhaps we dismiss our own wants and needs, doing what the other person wants to do and saying things we think they want to hear. As a result, there’s not enough mutuality in the relationship and an imbalance incommunication, understanding, and respect.

When we stop considering what we need as we interact with the other person, our desires become eclipsed by those of the other person. We begin to lose touch with ourselves. To avoid this temptation, we need to resist engaging in actions that prioritize the needs of others above our own, such as:

• Dropping everything else for the relationship.

Maybe we enjoyed working out at the gym several times a week before meeting that important person, but now regularly skip out to spend time together. Or, instead of going to our kid’s volleyball game, we meet up with this individual instead. We need to notice when we put other relationships and priorities on the backburner for one person’s sake. Taking care of our health, friendships, family relationships, and interests keeps us in touch with ourselves and helps us grow. Keeping our plans for ourselves and with the other people in our lives is essential to maintaining balanced relationships.

• Doing anything to make the relationship work.

If we are determined to make things work at all costs, we may try to figure out what to change about ourselves to ensure that the other person stays with us. Maybe we modify the way we dress or take up hobbies we have no interest in. We do whatever it takes to mold ourselves into who we think they want us to be. If we find ourselves making a lot of changes to please the other person, we need to question our motives.Yes, we want to know the preferences and priorities of our significant other – and we will likely accommodate some of the things that are important to them – but we don’t want to abandon who we are and what we love. No need to cut our hair if we like it the way it is, get rid of our cat just because they object to it, or attempt downhill skiing if our knees are not up to the sport.

• Ignoring problems/red flags in our relationship.

Does the other person regularly forget to bring his credit card when we go out to eat? Is she not inviting us into her home? Is alcohol almost always involved in the ways we spend time together? Are we bothered by these types of patterns, but choose not to talk about them? What we see and experience in our relationship is valid and begs us to acknowledge those experiences – not shrink behind them. Luckily, we do not have to turn these concerns into an uncomfortable confrontation. We can simply begin by suggesting ideas that address our red-flag concerns. Perhaps we discuss who is paying for what before we go out, request that we have dinner at their home this time, or suggest we meet for coffee instead of alcoholic drinks.

• Silencing our own voice.

When we prioritize someone else’s needs before our own, we silence our own voice. We mold ourselves to please them rather than expressing our own preferences, priorities, or truths. We certainly do not mention the things that trouble us. But, without our voice, we shrink ourselves. Speaking up can be scary, and we may worry that we will lose the other person if we do express ourselves. But we cannot afford to lose ourselves to keep this other person – and they likely do not want us to do that either.

To start speaking up, find the “I” statement: “I would like to meet for coffee and not drinks today.” Perhaps we rehearse it. Then we say it to the other person clearly and non-defensively. If our relationship with this other person is headed in a good direction, he or she will listen and be interested in what we have to say.

If we begin listening carefully to our wants and needs, we will hear our voice deep within us, inviting us to speak up. It isunlikely that we want to live in the shadows of someone else. What we genuinely want is for both of us to share ideas, to speak freely and honestly, and to honor one another. When we do this, we discover that we finally obtain what we want the most: secure, fulfilling, and satisfying relationships with the significant people in our lives.

Nancy L. Johnston, MS, LPC, LSATP, MAC is the author of Disentangle: When You’ve Lost Your Self in Someone Else (2ndEd.) and works in private practice in Lexington, VA. With forty-two years of clinical experience, Johnston is an American Mental Health Counselors Association Diplomate and Clinical Mental Health Specialist in Substance Abuse and Co-Occurring Disorders. She offers presentations, workshops, and retreats for self-recovery.