Truth is, I love someone who I am pretty certain doesn't know I exist in the way I hope they do. I've made a habit of holding onto someone who has shown me pieces of himself, but he is not even mine.
I am scared of losing the person I don't even have.
I am struggling to figure out how to bring him closer when he was never near in the first place.
I am struggling to let go of something that has never come to pass. Or may never will.
But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less. It doesn't mean that my heart doesn't pound the same way for the love I am holding onto. Or that it doesn't hurt any less knowing that the person I hoping would see me, sees someone else in front him.
There comes a point where we would like someone to be a little more close to us than we would like.
So we hang onto them.
I become emotionally attached because of they feelings I have for you - because at the end of the day, I don't want to lose you. I want so badly for you to like me more.
For us to be something, because truth be told I don't know how to quit you. And I don't know really how to stop because what do I have to really lose besides someone who is not really mine.
I don't really have you. And honestly that scares me. That I could love someone in this way who probably doesn't even realize it.
That I could hold onto someone who at the end of the day may never be what I hope them to be.
And I can't but help but wonder what would happen if I do choose to let you go...
Why am so scared to let go of someone who loves someone else?
Is it because I don't know how my heart might react?
Or is it because of the assumptions that might have been made? Or the fact that maybe never became a reality?
Is it because I am holding onto what if too hard? Or absolutely not that might be around the corner?
Truth is I am scared that losing someone I care about whether we are together or not.
And truth be told I am not sure if it is easier to lose someone I never really had, or lose someone who was actually standing in front of me.
I think sometimes we hope forever even when it is not possible.
And that is what my heart is hoping for. It is hoping for ever even though it knows deep down this person might never be apart of this life of mine. I find it hard to let go of a person who was sent to be on the outside.
But I wonder maybe if I let go, I might suffer a little less.
I wonder if I can stop letting my happiness depend on one person,and start to look at the world a little differently if someone might come around who will bright my world.
Sparks sometimes are a one way street, but when they are set off together beauty happens.
And that is the type of love I want. That is the type of desire for happiness I have.
I don't want to keep holding onto a fantasy no matter how hard or uncertain it is.
Letting go doesn't mean I've lost..
It means I have a future to work towards. And sometimes even in the middle of certainty you realize you have to let go even in the midst of fear...
In order to be brought closer to the one I deserve.
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